Tag Archives: #depression

What Happened?

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It’s a long story. I’m going to start this out by joining in on Linda G Hill’s SoCS. Her theme for this week is “reservation”.

It’s hard to acknowledge that I haven’t posted on here since early February, when I got off work on the Epic Explorer. I hadn’t realized its been that long. I really thought I had been posting more often than that. I’ve been so busy, it just got too easy to let the blogging slip out of mind.

I’ve even had reservations about starting back up again. It’s been so long, I’ve gotten out of the habit of trying to write something fairly frequently (at least weekly) and keep up with what my favorite bloggers were up to. It’s so easy to let it go when I have so many other things going on, and even when I don’t- I just don’t feel like doing anything.

I don’t like to be so negative all the time, but it’s been really hard to try to come up with something positive to say. I’ve always been one of those to see the ‘glass as half empty”. At this point I’m probably ‘clinically depressed’. Here I go again, running off into the so easy to fall into trap of thinking of all the negatives. I’m still out of work, still broke, still trapped here with no money to do anything. There’s still really not much hope of finding work, so no hope of escaping the trap. What am I going to be able to do with myself?

I really don’t think there’s any point to life, other than to live it the way YOU want to. Why bother if all you’re going to do all day every day is what someone else forces on you? I’ve tried my whole life to find ways to live my life according to my values. I work hard, and save what I can so that I can enjoy my time off. Since I’ve been laid off (without any help from unemployment after paying into it for 40+ years), I’ve tried to find other ways to make some kind of income still doing something that I didn’t consider pure torture. I’ve always liked the arts, so I’ve been trying to transition into working in some way with that sort of thing.

I’ve been writing, painting, photographing. I’ve tried to find ways to earn an income from all of those things. So far, I have had a few successes. I’ve won prizes for my photos and for my paintings. I’ve sold a few articles. Few and far between and not nearly enough to pay the bills. It’s hard to concentrate enough to work on this sort of thing when I’m spending so much time and energy looking for a ‘real job’. One that will pay the bills.

won “Honorable Mention”

I tried last night to think of what I have to be thankful for. Mostly in the past. I came up with a few things I can still be thankful for right now. I still have a roof over my head and enough money to keep it for at least another couple of months. I still have my health (in general, tho not good enough to be able to keep working for much longer). I have a few good friends I can always count on. I have rental properties that will bring in enough income to survive on for at least another month. I have internet access again (tho it is still screwed up, just not as bad as it has been). My truck still runs, even at 21+ years old. Without it I wouldn’t be able to get to the few and far between jobs I have been able to get over the last 3 years.

I spent so much time and effort, my whole life, to be able to just live and enjoy life. I did all the things we’re told we have to do. I studied hard, got good grades, went to college, got a good job, a great career. I even went back to college to get a BA degree (in math- which has proved totally useless). I saved as much as I could. I invested what I could spare. I worked hard at every job.

And after all that, what happened? Like hundreds of thousands of others, I was thrown in the trash heap when my company felt it had to satisfy their stockholders.When the price of oil dropped like a rock, the oilfield dried up. When that happened all the shipping jobs were immediately taken. Seafarers around the world are hanging on to any job they can find.

People around the world are clamoring to take captains jobs for $150/day! The STCW has given owner/operators the ability to go for the lowest common denominator- they’re all hiring the cheapest crews they can find. Apparently you can live like a king on $150/day in the Philippines, or India, or Ukraine. Who in America can survive on that? You spend decades and tens of thousands of dollars for your license (and the enormous amounts of responsibility you get with it) and then throw it away for that kind of wage?  It’s been almost 3 years now with no hope of getting a ‘real’ job again.

I hate to think that I have wasted my entire life, working my way up the hawsepipe, doing everything ‘right’ and still to end up in the exact same place as I would have if I had never made any effort at all to improve my life. It sucks! But it seems to be reality.

Yes, I’ve had reservations on posting like this and depressing you all. I’ll hope that even this kind of post is (somewhat) welcome after being out of touch for so long.

Here’s to getting back into blogging. 😉

Another Sunday

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Amazing, isn’t it? How an entire week can go by, when you’re busy, busy, busy every day. Yet nothing really gets accomplished.

Yep, this week was one of those.

I spent most of every day this week still trying to find work. Filling out online applications (again), for all the same places that I’ve already filled them out for. Calling everyone I could find to call. Still getting the same results…

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So, I broke down and went to Houston on Wednesday to see about joining the SIU. The unlicensed seamans union. I’ve been an applicant with the AMO (licensed officers union) since at least December and have had 1 (yes only1) possible job. That job was gone before I could even return the phone call! Since then, they don’t answer the phone, they don’t return calls, I’ve pretty much lost hope that they actually have any work.

Of course I would rather use the license I’ve spent 30+ years and $50,000+++ to earn! But if I have to sail as a deckhand, I’m perfectly willing to do that too. Anything out at sea is better than working at McDonalds or Domino’s, which seem to be the only jobs open to me on the beach. 🙁

Shit! 2 college degrees and 30 years of experience to earn the highest license there is out there, and what does it get me? NOTHING! Not a damn thing!

Yeah, I’ve had it pretty good up until the last couple of years. I was able to save a few bucks. I was able to travel and enjoy life. I did really love a few of my jobs. Never really hated any of them. But after almost 2 years of unemployment and unable to find ANY work that will even come close to paying the bills, I have to say I am getting more than a little bit pissed off.

Yes. Pissed off! Frustrated. Angry. Depressed. Un-motivated. I could go on…

I try to find other things to do, to earn a few bucks. Writing/painting/photography, etc. I still haven’t sold even one item. Yeah, it’s getting very depressing. I can hardly motivate myself to work on any of that stuff. First of all, I feel like I need to concentrate on finding a ‘real’ job. So spend hours/day looking for work. By the time I’m done with that, I really don’t feel like doing anything creative.

I keep meaning to blog more. This was meant to be a much more interactive blog. Where I could talk to people all over the world about different places and how things were there. I thought I would always have interesting sea stories and adventures from my travels to write about. But I haven’t been working in so long and so can’t afford to travel anymore, so I wonder what can I write about now?

What is interesting about my life at home? Nothing, really. I’m just another ordinary, broke and struggling American. I do have more political interest than most. I could write about that. But every time I do that, people seem to drop me like a hot potato (most not even commenting as to why).

So I’ve tried to keep the politics toned down, even tho it’s one of my main passions. I am 100% in support of freedom, for everybody, on all issues, all the time. Do whatever you want as long as you don’t hurt anybody else. That’s my motto and that’s what America was founded to promote. Too bad ‘we’ve’ decided to throw that whole ‘freedom’ thing out in the garbage pile. 🙁

Oh no, I have not forgotten. We still do have our ‘freedom’ of speech. Sort of. Remember ‘political correctness’? How often are you seeing censored posts on Twitter and Facebook? I see them plenty! Yeah, we may still have a little bit of ‘freedom’ of speech, but as for the rest of the Bill of Rights, all but the 3rd Amendment have been constantly and continuously violated.

Am I the only one who’s noticed? Who cares?

Then why is no one even willing to discuss it? Even on a blog? Yeah, I’m sure plenty of people are actually self-censoring. Afraid they’ll be hauled off sooner or later for violating some trumped up anti-constitutional ‘law’ on ‘hate’ speech, or defamation or some other crap. I think I will keep on saying what I will say until the day they decide to haul me off. I’ve already self-censored myself enough (in fact, I think I’ve even lost work over what I’ve said and not said). Screw it, I’m done playing games!

I’ve worked my ass off my entire life, NOT to wind up an old bag lady, wandering the streets eating cat food. If after everything I’ve done to avoid that, working hard, saving everything I could, investing every extra dollar, starting businesses, rental properties, etc, and I’m STILL going to wind up like that? Why do I even try anymore???

My birthday is coming up again soon. I’m getting to the age where I feel like I don’t have too many more years ahead of me where I’ll be able to work or to travel. I want to LIVE those few years I have left. I don’t want to spend them in fear. Broke, afraid, trapped.

I think and think and wonder every day- HOW can I manage to do that- without having to win the lottery???