I’ve joined in on Linda’s Just Jot It January 2017 blog challenge. Posting every day in January to her daily prompts. Today’s theme is: time.

A great prompt! There are so many ways I could go with this one. I don’t usually think much about the ‘idea’ of time. Only to think ‘I’m running out of time’, or ‘I don’t have time for that’.

Even now that I’ve been out of work for so long, I’m still in that mindset. Even tho I’m able to decide how I want to spend my day, I still feel like I’m ‘running out of time’, and “I don’t have time for that”.

I’ve fallen into the trap that so many people do. Living in the past- or the future. I keep thinking about how much I miss working. Miss having that steady income so I could do all the things I wanted to. I keep thinking about how I’ll be able to do all that again, only once I get back to work. And stock the bank accounts back up.

In the meantime, I stress about ‘how am I going to survive’ next year if I don’t get back to work soon? I’m worried about how can I possibly make it another year? 5 years? 10 years? 20???

Instead of doing what I should be doing- living in the moment- taking these huge blocks of free time to concentrate on my writing, painting, photography- I spend too much time worrying and wasting time online, filling out applications and looking for work that just isn’t there anymore!

I’m still very undecided. What should I do? Keep on trying to find work? When I KNOW there is none? On the slim hope that I’ll finally find something that fits my skills and experience?

Or take a mind numbing, totally exhausting job for $14/hour (add 3+ hours daily commute) where I’ll have no life, no time for anything but work- eat- sleep? A job that still won’t cover the bills, but will help, a little bit.

Time…

I only have so much time. I’m getting older, 55 years old now. I feel like I should stop wasting it, hoping for a job that just is not going to happen. I should just forget about ever going to work again, since the likelihood of that happening is fading away with every day that passes. I should just forget it. The question is- how???

I feel horrible, trapped by fear, but can’t seem to get past it. There are so many things I want to do (most of all, to travel). But everything costs money. Money I don’t have anymore. And tho I could possibly make things happen even without much money, I’m afraid to go that route. Even when I can logically tell myself I’m being stupid.

I get the points these quotes from Tolle, Buddha and Einstein are making. About the nature of time and reality.  I still can’t stop my fears. 🙁